Montana

Rest in peace Imran, I was so honored to be a part of your services today. To meet the wonderful people that were your family and to be there for Lena. It was honestly the most heart wrenching and beautiful thing ever… and I get to do it all again tomorrow.

Rest in Peace Uncle Ricky, this has been the hardest day of my life. I love you so much and we will all miss you insanely. It’s gonna take a while for things to get better but for now it is what it is. My babygirl Dana, I don’t even know what to say to you. I love you. I can’t even write this.

Invincible

I wish there was something I could do to take away the weight you must feel right now. I wish I had a time machine or anything that would make this better. I love you so much and I cannot stand to see you like this. You deserve the world and back. And I just want you to be in a constant reminder of how much I am here for you. I love you baby girl. Stay strong<3

Rest in peace Imran, you were the most intense guy I knew. You had the strongest opinions and a genuine way with words. I am honored to have known you and I think many people would agree with me. I like to think of this as a way to make your pain go away, I like to think you’re in heaven enjoying your days. I like to think that you are watching Lena right now and helping her through this tough time. Enjoy my dear, you deserve your peace.

I just want to rant and cry and get really emotional on tumblr but I’m not. I have to learn to stay strong and hold my tongue because at the end of the day I have to teach myself to stop taking everything to heart and stop getting my hopes up.

I’m so sick of being that girl.

Just a memory.

When I was younger, probably a year or two before I moved here, I had a friend named Cathy. And she lived in this beautiful big house right around the corner from me, but her room was the size of a closet and she used to call herself the Cinderella (which made sense looking back because she was the only one who cleaned and got stuff done and yet she got the littlest appreciation in the house.) But when I would come over we’d stay outside all the time, and she had this garage that you could reach the roof if you stood on her little sisters play house thing next to the side of it. So we’d go up and “tan” and eventually it would get cold and dark and we’d just sit there silently and talk about what we wanted to be when we got older and our parents and I remember everything being so easy and so big. I remember how we were talking about what we wanted to be when we were older and at the time she wanted to be a vet, and I said why not a doctor? and she said “Because kittens can scratch but people can hurt” and I don’t think I’ve ever heard wiser words. I don’t think she realizes how that kind of stuff sticks with people, how sometimes you say things that are totally inspirational but like you don’t realize it until someone repeats it back to you like 6 years later.

I just want a hug.

Some things I realized today;

I will never go to college.
I have no talent.
I will not have a prom date that is actually interested in me.
I will never be skinny or pretty.
I will never be important.

Ever.

I shouldn’t have to feel this way.

but I do.

I guess this was a gift. Instead of having to be around you all the time, you toying with the way I feel, deciding every so often that you want to hang around me now and again, you just leave. Lord knows I’ll probably never see you again because you don’t care about anyone so maybe it’s better you quit HF. I’ll be here another year at least and I will probably never see you again. Lets say it together one more time; good riddance.

Hows about a nice big thank you to the douche bags in the world who make you feel like everything… and then nothing, all in an instance. Congrats, this is why no one is loyal to you. Maybe you’ll come across it and realize that you are your biggest downfall.

Thinking back to last night, remembering how horrible I felt. Sitting on my bed hyperventilating into my knees. Thinking about all the times I sat down and said “soon, itll all be over soon” “you’re leaving in August” “no more of this bullshit in 3 months” all those deadlines, time slots and important “soon to bes” mean nothing. Its so ironic how the moment I realize that I’m staying here for yes, another year I get to hear how everyones moving on and away. Hearing everyone talk about college plans breaks my heart and that conversation last night broke me down so hard. I can picture how this is going to play out, you’re going to start dating and I’m not going to hear from you as much because well, who wants their boyfriend calling some other girl at 12am. And no, you know what, I don’t blame her but remember who was there for you when “girls didn’t mean shit” and when all your friends fucked you over. This is my punishment for what exactly, God? What have I done to deserve all of this mental torment? All this trying, money spending on colleges I can’t even afford to go to. This new found realization of what the “smart” decision is and acting on it resulting in everyone moving  on and forward. What have i done now, are you trying to tell me I’m making a mistake? Because the next “mistake” I’m going to make is going to be permanent and unfixable and that’s something you yourself can verify at the rate this is going.

I’ve worked so hard these past years to get where I am today. I’ve taken advanced courses, AP and spent countless hours writing essays after papers for school. I applied to all these places, got all amazing letters of recommendations and was given huge scholarships to my top choice schools. I did this all so that I would walk away from this place, so I can find out what its like to really be alone and on my own and figure myself out without the stress of my family. And yet here I sit, accepted letters in one hand and a Suffolk application in another. The dread of having to stay here, live here basically tears me apart. I have always been the stray dog in our family. Occasionally coming to family events, doing everything way before anyone my age in our family and being well, good at it. The truth of the matter is, we can’t afford it. I can’t afford it. Denied of my second choice, its a toss up between WNE and Potsdam. I just can’t place myself in a school A) that’s 50,000 dollars a year or B) that’s 9 hours away. I guess I can stay here and attend the same school as everyone else I’ve grown to love and save my money, continue working at HF with the people I’ve grown to enjoy and take my mediocre classes for a year and transfer to New Paltz as a Sophmore. If I get into Suffolk since this application is going to be extremely late, so I can’t trust they’ll have room, I guess I’ll go. Stay here. I can’t believe I wasted so much stress and anxiety over something I basically should have just went with all along. What a waste.

Prom Date credentials:

DTF
Down to smoke
Fresh 2 death
20&Under

THATS. IT.